| The Transcender |

Homophobia and Transphobia or any other humanphobia is the insecurity of oneself

Disclaimer: I wrote this during the summer of 2009 when I was very frustrated with the world and before I found peace within myself, so my thoughts are really scattered, but this is a rough draft, but I will continue to work on this. But I just felt the urge just to publish this even if it’s unfinished.

8/18/09

Homophobia (or fear of man*)

*=man will be the umbrella term for humans, so when I say man, I also mean woman, and the pronoun he will also mean she…I apologize for the laziness but it’s for simplicity sake…

In the current state that we live in, the fear of homosexuals is a fear of insecurity.

I am not the scientific type, but there have been research that have shown that most homophobic men are very insecure or confuse about their sexuality or that they are “gay” themselves and that they are in denial of their sexuality.

Think about it—if you are really secure and confident about yourself and sexuality, why would you need to belittle, hate, and insult other people in order to prove your sexuality and masculinity?

Masculinity is social construct constructed by society, therefore creating a concept that penetrates people’s mind in thinking that there’s only one way, and one correct way only, to live your life. If you are born with a penis, you will automatically assumed by everyone, including your doctors and especially your parents to act a certain way. If you are born with a vagina, you will automatically assumed by everyone, including your doctors and especially your parents to act a certain way.

What everyone woman and man needs to understand that we have a combination of being “masculine” and “feminine” in all of us. In this needing-to-prove-yourself-all-of-the-time state that we live in, we tend to muscle up on our masculinity and push down our femininity inside. Masculinity is a beautiful thing but so is feminity. What most people forget and realize is that we are all born from a women, therefore feminity in inherent inside all of us. Most people goes to far to extreme and cut this side of them, therefore making them live a rather imbalance and delusional life. They are cut of their emotions and true self. I truly believe that even the biggest muscle of a guy can still have the emotions of his mother. Even the famous psychologist Freud believes that a boy needs to detach himself from his mother and roughen up (although he would not term it like that) and be with his father so that he can be a “better” man. And even the process of baptism, is the process of cleansing the newborn baby (which really means removing the feminity that was born through his mother) and be with the priest, his new father, who will now officially recognize him.

Do you know the daily killings and suicide of human beings? This is one of the most pitying thing that I can ever know. What makes me for compelling for me is that I was on the verge of suicide during my high school years, when everyone thought I was little miss perfect. Again, it’s always these presumably happy people that later surprise you when they kill themselves or other people because you want to ask them—why?

The answer is simple really. Because they are unhappy with themselves—whatever that is. Therefore they look outside at others to look for blame because they honestly don’t know what is wrong with them. When one is so desperate, they end up killing themselves. In fact, even pedophiles or serial killers are usually the one that needs the most help. In our society, people like this are automatically hated and sick, and disgusted. I suspect that what you find out about why they do things that they do will surprise you and might even melt your heart, whether it was their childhood or the way that their peers treated them. Of course, I’m not condoning the things that they do, but all I’m asking is for people to think for themselves and not let others do the deciding for them. I believe that these people are so out of align with their feminity that they are doing these distorted things that they perceive as masculinity.

In most of my writings, I often find that the root of problem tend to be masculinity. Don’t get me wrong—masculinity is a beautiful thing. I myself was born a woman, but have became man in artificial testosterone.  I was out of align with myself being I was masculine in my feminine state of body. In fact to think of it, I’m a victim of masculinity myself because I thought that masculinity was the only way for me  I felt that I need to look a certain way and act a certain way to be a man. There are other intelligent beings who knows that you don’t have to abide a certain way to fit society’s definition of a man. They know that they can make their own definition of whoever they want to be.

When you are out of align of your feminity, you are out of align with your masculinity. Your showing off your macho muscles, degrading women, and bullying others weaker than you doesn’t make you a better man.

I’m able to think the way that I do because I am very comfortable with my sexuality and identity. In order to truly find myself, I went through some challenging and really made me question life and who I really am. Want to know my secret? I have chosen to accept the fact that the truth is that there is no absolute truth or set of standards. Be who you are. Don’t live for other people’s expectation. It’s okay to be a man and cry and it’s okay to be a woman who loves wrestling. Make your own definition and live to that. Just because you are born with a penis doesn’t mean you have to play football in high school or that you have to cheerlead if you have a vagina. You are not your body. You are destined to do many great things, and all the things that you are worried about right now like not having the most stylish clothes or friends will seem so pathetically inconsequential.

I’m really still baffle at how “That’s so gay” is supposed to be an offensive statement. I’m not going to lie—I used to say in all the time in high school until I realized how stupid I sound. That’s like saying “That’s so straight.” How lame does that sound? Can’t you come up with a better insult? “Faggot.” Really? I don’t even know what that means. Is that supposed to be a bad thing that a man happens to love another human being who has a penis? Or that a woman who has finally met the love of her life—and apparent this lover does not have a penis? Oh no—she’s a shame to society!  I remember something my sociologist teacher said—about how he is disgusted in gay men because he doesn’t know how one can find love doing it in the butt. I was 15 and because I want to maintain my miss picture perfect status,  kept my mouth shut. Inside my mouth, I wanted to ask him angrily, how does he find love in his wife’s vagina. This person who was suppose to be a teacher, should be seating in my seat instead and learn more about life. He was clearly blinded that sex is love, and that sex is only between penis and vagina, therefore if it doesn’t happen that way, it’s  not love. And sadly, this is how most people think. I remember the day that my sister ask me how gross it is to do it in the butt—that these people are crazy. I was honestly exhausted by then, and I just told her, why do you really care what these people do in their bedroom? They don’t give a shit on how you do your karma sutra, and instead of criticizing how other people have sex, maybe it’s best if you actually improve on your sex life first.

Honestly, like the Ghandi quote goes, let everyman sweep in front of his front door and the world will be a better place. We are so obsessed with other people when we need to focus on our lives.

Even though it sucks that I was not born in the body that I wanted, I can never regret my life. I could say that The Creator had made a mistake and that he has made my life miserable so and so, because I lack this and that. Honestly though, I have never felt more alive in my life. I have chosen to live my life and realize that everything happens for a reason. I would have love to be born with a penis, but not having it has made me live my life in a much more fulfilling manner. I have lived my life as a girl, which has made me very aware and appreciative of what’s it’s like to live through these high heels. Now that I am guy, I am align with my masculinity because I am so in align with my feminity. Masculinity and a feminity are a beautiful, especially when they are intertwined. We so so caught up in being one-sided that we forget who we truly are.  I really appreciate being transgender because it has allowed me to conditioned my brain and mind to be feminine, and let my body and actions be masculine. It’s really a beautiful thing life is—what you open your eyes and think for yourself. You find out that the things that you were conditioned to hate or love—are really not your own thoughts at all.

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