| The Transcender |

Dear Friends

There have been many times in my life where I have been given a fresh start, and that is often time when I grow the most. It’s a new year, and a new me.

I want people to know me for my skills, accomplishments, goals, ambitions, interests, hobbies, and not solely because of my identities. With that being said, I would just like to take this opportunity to say that I won’t be updating this site as much as I used to anymore.

I’ve made a new site because of that. I won’t link it here because I want to have a separation between my identities. But you guys are smart people, so if you google it enough, you’ll find my new site. 

You’ll still be able to contact me through here. 

Until then, take care!

Much love,

The Transcender

11:11 1/11/11

2010…You have been great to me

This morning, I was supposed to be boarding on a flight to a destination where I would be spending my New Year Eve high in the air somewhere. Due to passport complications and other bigger reasons, I had to cancel my highly anticipated flight last minute. It was a disappointment since I have worked so hard for it to come true. But I believe everything happens for a reason, and I have decided to go back at a later time instead, when I am more prepared and ready, and it will be for the better. 

Finished with that business, I must say, excluding the summer, this is by far one of the best years of my life.

As I was talking to one of my best friend from high school, I realize that the 1990-2010 was the years that I had to do all the dirty work to get where I am today.

I can’t even recap this year alone just because everything went by so fast.

To being on MTVU, CNN.com, to being featured in a short that premiered in Cannes…to many things more. To being class president, to be a film festival winner. To being accepted in the theatre and film world as an actor, writer, and director. To learning to live by myself for the first time. To learning to cook. To me learning to become a man and a better friend. To learning to use Final Cut Pro in such a short amount of time. To learning how to prepare successful for a surgery and coming out on top. And to having amazing friends who took care of me. To my family who supports me for who I am even though I intensely challenge their traditions. To having my first T party sharing it with my amazing bro. To an amazing refreshing fall break. To finishing my short documentary barely in time and finishing my artist statement and portfolio requirements at the same time. From my first real relationship, to my first long distance, to a relationship where I truly know what I what. My legal documentations all now match who I am inside. 

I don’t think it can get any better…but I have a feeling it will…

Life is fortunate to those who aren’t afraid to be themselves and those who aren’t afraid to be the best person that they can be.

Here’s to being done physically transitioning as a transman and just living my life as a man. Cheers, to you, to me, to 2010, and now…to 2011.

Parties Parties Parties/ Shots Shots Shots

It’s Halloween weekend…Mad parties…But despite the title, it’s not what you think I’ll be writing about.

Yeah, I have pictures of me “pregaming” in my friends’ room, etc, but you know what, I’m done with that deal along time ago, and I’m not gonna post it just so that I look cool or whatever.

A lot of people might be surprised to know this, but I don’t drink. I don’t drink not because I’m religious or whatever. I don’t drink just because I don’t feel like it’s my style but that doesn’t mean that I don’t like to have fun. To be honest, I’m much more fun when i don’t drink—I just get sleepy when I drink, and what’s the fun in that? I feel like I’m outgoing as it is, and I’m as high on life as I’m gonna get—and I do want to remember what I did that night. Am I being really old fashioned?

See, my first year of college, I went rager, cuz I’ve never been to a college party and I had to go through that bullshitting to get where I am today. So, I understand and that’s why I try to stay away from freshmen…been there, done that, and over it ages ago, kiddo. But, freshmen or not, it  just seems like most college students are holding the red cup with every chance they can get. Party, toga, party. I get it. You have mad stress from cramming last minute exams, whatever, and you wanna party it off. Nothing wrong seriously—I like to have fun, too. But I just keep wondering why people, especially college students have come to rely solely on alcohol as the only way to escape their lives and have fun. I’ve been told that it’s liquid courage and makes people more attractive. But it also gives so many people the excuse to, as T Pain says it, blame it on the alcohol. But it’s not funny anymore when girls keep getting transported one after another.

Some people have treat their girlfriend/boyfriend, friend badly and just like a dumbass the next day, only to say “Sorry babe, it was the alcohol.”

My theory is, you don’t blame things on shit. Sure, the alcohol might have gotten you intoxicated and made you do stupid things—but you ultimately knew what you were doing when you made that decision to drink. The alcohol didn’t make you do something you didn’t want to do—it was already in you, and it just had to be let out somehow. If you’re gonna do something, do it, and don’t use a scapegoat. I would have more respect for you.

Be a person and own up to your consequences. But if you’re a guy who can only get a girl when she’s drunk, or if you’re a girl who can only have sex when you’re drunk, then you both got a lot of issues to work on. Or that they only to open up to people is to drink, then you really should work on your self-confidence. You should work on it when you’re not inebriated. Otherwise, it just become a vicious cycle. Work on whatever insecurities or problems at home that is bothering you instead of running away from it. Why do you think people become alcoholics? Everybody got issues…we live in this paradoxical society…but it doesn’t matter who has more issues than another… it’s how you handle your issues…Try facing your problems instead of keep running away from it.

But hey—college is the time do do stupid things right? Get it out of your system, before you can’t do it anymore? It’s only fun and games, let people be. I get it. But soon, you’ll eventually have to face your problems and become an adult. This is not something I really judge or frown upon—about the drinking part. I guess I already made my mistakes and matured too quickly…and now this is the applicant pools that I have to surround myself with. But I have faith that there are more people out there like me, too, so sometimes, I don’t feel so alone.

Everyone is claiming that they’re having a good time, but deep down inside, I know they’re not. They’re just a bunch on insecure young adults trying to fit in as they try to figure themselves out who they are, and their places in their life.

Until then, the girl who is dancing on tables in front of me and the obnoxious group of people who are making so much noise screaming for attention—I’ll be thinking of how entertaining hey are from a sober point of view.

This is why grandpa is gonna keep doing his own thing cuz college kids are just too much for him to handle right now. It’s not you…it’s definitely me.

Why is it so hard to be who you are in this world?

This is pretty much the number one cause of unhappiness in this world…when you can’t just be who you are or who you want to be. 

We’re so busy fulfilling gender roles and that when we satisfy them, we feel better about ourselves.

LGBT suicides is something I’ve always known about, but it’s finally making press recently. It’s heartbreaking for these kids to think that they can’t be themselves when it’s totally healthy and fine to be who they are, but to have people who are delusional full of hate, because themselves, they can’t be themselves. It’s little men who think that in order for them to be fully a man by eating a woman’s pussy is the saddest moment of history. This is the world we live in right now…where girls measure themselves up to how they are pretty by comparing themselves to the cast of Gossip Girls. As some says, progress is personal, and we all got to change within ourselves if we really want to “change the world.” Like MJ, start with the man in the mirror.  

No Homo

What are you implying by saying No Homo?

I’m getting tired of hearing all these No Homo slang banging around spitting by guys, and some of them, my friends. I really wanna slap a bro. I used to be angry, now I just feel that this culture has a long way to grow up.

Why are you so insecure about your masculinity and sexuality and feel the NEED to go around expressing that you have no homosexual tendencies by VOCALLY express it out loud?

I’ll see guys commenting on other guys Facebook pictures “Nice body, Bob…No Homo”

If you’re gonna complement someone, complement them. You don’t need an exception clause. No one were gonna accuse you of being a homosexual (or even if that’s such a bad thing?) until you had to say No Homo.

For example, Lil Wayne, in his song “Lollipop” which is pretty much about girls sucking and licking his little magic stick. If that’s what you’re into, that’s fine—whatever floats your boat. But EVEN in the beginning of the song, seriously, why do you still feel the need to say out loud “No Homo” while girls are sucking your lollipop? Really? Are you that insecure, that any little bit of gesture…might make you a “fag”?

I just hear it all the time “I love you, bro…No Homo”

It’s like as long as you say it, everything is okay. If you just had gay sex with one another, as long as you say “No Homo” at the end, it’ll make you all “straight” once again…C’mon.

It’s just the fear of living life and being who you are that’s keeping everybody from reaching their potential. A man can’t even express him love and gratitude with another man by hugging or holding each other hands in public, even if they have no romantic feelings, because they are afraid of being seen as “gay.” And it’s really sad. Back in the days, men had such deep relationships with one another (I’m not even trying to be punny) and they didn’t not care a shit how they are perceived by others because being affectionate wasn’t such a stigma, or something that only “gay people would do.” What does it mean? Then what do “straight people” would do?

Seriously? It’s like me telling my parent, “I love you, Dad…No Homo”

He’ll be bound to be wonder, what the hell is all that about…and when did homosexuality come into this?

This fear of being seen as a “fag” is what’s keep guys being themselves. Some guys are sensitive and is as gentle as a girl, or even more soul. Regardless of his sexuality, whether he is straight or gay, that is who he is. But because of this hyper-masculinity society that we live in, where guys think the only way to get women is looking like 50 Cents and talking like Eminem, and living life like the Jersey Shore cast…it’s a sad reality. These guys suppress their emotions and needs so that they can fit into this horrible archetype of a guyly guy…who doesn’t shave and have beer belly…because that’s so manly. And if you actually groom and took good care of your body, you’re seen as gay…even worst…a metrosexual…Like it’s a bad thing? And all these dude doesn’t even have personality or anything interesting to say.

I’m just sick of it all. The next time I hear it from a guy, I’m gonna quiz his ass on masculinity and sexuality. I’m gonna ask him, what does he even mean by saying “That’s so gay.” And it’s not just guys, it’s girls, too. We all say it all the time, “That’s so gay.” What are we trying to say? Why are we so afraid of having feelings for the same gender or same sex? Are we gonna have rabies if we do? Why is all the parents so afraid of their children being “gay”? Do they really believe it’s gonna be the end of the world and everyone is gonna go to hell, if their child have a penis, and he likes a penis, instead of vaginas? Or if their daughter tend to date someone who has vaginas then penis? And it’s not even about genitals…it’s about the person…

This judgmental and comical culture that we live in is gonna put us into the apocalypse if there is one to come.

And you know, it’s ridiculous for a man to be afraid of another man having a crush on them. If you can’t even handle that, then what does that say about your character? Are you gonna runaway from girls, if you find out they like you? Exactly. So if a guy has a liking for you, you should take that as a complement. If anything, I would be flattered that to know that I’m attractive to both teams. And beside, gay men have STANDARDS. Don’t be so full of yourself. 

And just because you are “gay” doesn’t make you any less of a man. It’s ridiculous the limitation we put ourselves into. For example, if you eat salad, you’re a wimp and gay, and if you eat BK Double Pound Slam Burger, you are the man. Seriously? Just because some men prefer bananas over apples, doesn’t make them any less of a man. Look at Andersen Cooper. Dude’s jack. And yes, he is “gay” in that he is in a relationship with another man right now. Does that make me any less credible? If you say yes, then you are just ignorant and really need to open your brain up and get some knowledge into it. I’m gonna sound blunt, seriously, get educated before it’s too late.

And I’m so sick of being the politically correct guy. It’s not even about being PC, it’s about fucking respect. I’m just sick of hearing people use “gay” as something to insult another individual. It’s like saying “That’s so Black” or “That’s so Asian” or whatever. Are you supposed to be offended by that? Seriously, don’t use people’s lifestyle as a way to insult them. If you’re gonna insult someone, at least be creative with it…And even Yo Momma jokes more creative than “That’s so gay.”  

And if you tell me to chill that’s it’s just a joke, I will just flip more shit on you. It’s this social acceptance that it’s okay to make fun of people like this, FOR BEING WHO THEY ARE instead of appreciating their courage and honesty, and the continuation of spitting fucking “jokes” like these that end the lives of innocent child. I am definitely a funny guy, but laughing at people at the expense of their lives is not something I will tolerate. Don’t be so insecure about yourself and sexuality that you need to make fun of other people to feel okay about yourself. I just hope that one day you can learn to love yourself enough because life can be so much more beautiful than that. How you treat other people is a reflection of how you treat yourself. If you love just a bit of yourself enough, you would never have the need to go put another person down.

Alright, yo. Much love…No homo.

Money doesn’t buy Happiness

It does, however, buy materials that makes your life a lot more convenient and upgrade your lifestyle to be a lot more luxurious. 

People often confuse money with happiness…it’s as if that’s the route you must take to be happy—like a race to get to the finish line. Material girls/guys whatever…They all seem/look happy…but they are all empty inside, trying to empty that void with materials that they will never ever be satisfied with. They keep buying more to feel that fast high of emptiness. They confuse instant gratification with happiness. But hey—some people don’t mind that…as long as they are deluding themselves, they will keep lying to themselves that they are happy until they actually believe it. 

But happiness is something internal, something that is deep inside you. All the money in the world can’t buy you happiness if you are not at peace, or even at ease, within yourself. You can have more money than Donald Trump, but it doesn’t mean jack. Sometimes, ironically, money brings more complications than happiness. 

If you are a person who truly depends on money to be happy, then what does that say about YOU? 

If you are not happy with who you are now, and is not willing to change whatever it is that is not making you unhappy, what makes you think the future will be any different? Do you really think money will solve everything? If you believe so, then you are only setting yourself up for disappointments. 

Even other people can’t make you Happy. YOU and ONLY you have the power to be happy. 

Happiness, as cliche as hell, is not a destination but rather a journey. 

The Transcender: On how to deal with bullies/”mean” people

Remember, bullies/mean people are people, too. They have issues just like any of us. Instead of hating them, the best way to deal with a bully is simply just to understand them. Instead of hating a killer, why don’t we try to understand what pushed them or the circumstances that has happened in their lives that pushed them to be this way? Stop with the blaming and judging…what good does it do? Try to understand, and we might have less hatred in this world. Someone once told me, when you truly learn to love someone more than you hate your enemy, then and only then, the world will be a much more peaceful place to live in.

Personally, the best way for me to confront and deal with bullies has been fairly simple: I try to understand them as people who are struggling with:

1) Insecurity
2) Overcompensation
3) The fact that they were once bullied

When it comes to dealing with bullies, don’t try to take the holier than thou approach—bullies are just people. “I’m so above you, I’m just gonna take your crap and ignore it, because I am the better person.” What good does it do? Try to understand them and put yourself in their shoes. Instead of thinking of them as enemies, I think you would feel a whole lot better about your situation if you realize that they are people, believe it or not, who are hurting as well. Their lives maybe be just as tough as yours—if you’re picking on you, realize that their lives is really that bad in order for them to come after you. Think about it—if they really have better things to do, they wouldn’t be messing with your live right now. They hope that they can make themselves feel better about their lives by trying to hurt yours in hope that they try to distract themselves from their own misery.

All you have to do is have a bit of willpower and imagine that they got it bad if not worse than you at home—their dad or mom probably beat them up as a child or all the time. Put yourself in their shoes—if life happened to you the way that it happened to them, you would be as mean and angry, too. I’m not saying that you should forgive them for everything they do, or try to justify them for any of their wrongdoing, or not hold them responsible for their actions—cuz that’s not okay nor acceptable. But just remember, hatred is not something you’re born with—it’s something that you are taught. A bully is just simply who have been bullied before. Understand that and the bully that you once fear will actually seem human and smaller to you, and all your fears and anger will tend to transfer into understanding and sympathy. They become less scary than they once look.

Imagine saying this to their face “You don’t scare me. You can beat me up all you want, but your all your problems whether at home or in your personal life is not gonna go way. How many more people do you need to hurt in order for you to feel better about yourself? If that makes you feel better about your life by hurting others, then here, I volunteer. Punch me in the face until your hatred for your mom, dad, or whoever hurt you in your life, goes away.” Try it—you’ll be surprise 1) You’ll  be hospitalize or 2) You help someone out by reaching out to them as you pinpoint whatever it is that is driving them to angst. For both your sake, I hope it is a the second result. Try with caution.

If someone say, “That’s gay” ask them what exactly do they mean by that? Ask them, do they really believe “gay” is a synonym for stupid? If they say yes, than if anything, they are just in denial of their sexuality. A person who claims that they hate gay people—is most likely “gay” themselves. Trust me—I know from experience and have met too many people who have admit that. They hope that by channeling negative feelings toward whatever it is that they are feeling, it will be strong enough to suppress these natural feelings into making it go away.

But that’s not how it works. They are just being in denial of their sexuality and out of tune with their feelings and bodies. Deprivation of both sex and feelings will mostly likely turn these people delusional. They believe that if they hate it enough—it will go way. It’s like yelling at yourself for being hungry—dude, it’s perfectly normal to have these feelings. Especially, if your stomach is craving for a banana…now let’s just use that analogy. But because of how this society works, you are suppose to be craving ONLY for apples. And you hate yourself for craving for a banana, and you hate those other people who eat banana freely regardless of what society and other people think. You in turn, hate these banana lovers because you ONLY wish that you can be brave enough to do what they do. But nope—you will instead force yourself to eat an apple—nothing wrong with apple by the way, but it’s really compulsive to make yourself eat ONLY apples—and telling yourself that these banana lovers are sinful people and that you, an apple lover, is an amazing person for not allowing yourself to hunger for bananas.

So yeah…if you meet someone like this who think gay is a synonym for stupid,  explain this simple analogy to them and they might understand what stupidity is for the first time. If they mean no harm when they say “That’s so gay,” then just explain to them that it is actually offensive. If they tell you, “Yo, don’t be so serious” explain to them, that “Yo, it’s actually that serious. You don’t insult someone like that base on the way they love someone.” It’s like having people using that lingo as way to express something they don’t like or care about: “That’s so straight” “That’s so White” “That’s so Asian” “That’s so Black” … and you’re just like, you can’t be anymore creative in the way you express yourself? Don’t use someone’s way of life as a mean to insult them. “That’s so Republican! OMG” No homo, bro, yeah?

Overcompensation: I always question insecure boys who feel that they can only be a man if they treat women badly or if they act like a douche bag—or that they have to smell rusty or don’t shave in order to smell like a man. Taking care of yourself and hygiene is supposedly a “feminine” thing so they go out of their way to do “manly” things like gain a beer belly because that’s just so damn sexy and masculine. Alright dude, stop trying to overcompensate here. Stop trying to look towards to other people or your bros to feel validated as a man or even as a person. Only YOU have the power to validate yourself. Do what makes you feel confident regardless of what society tells you to do as a man. It goes for the same for girls and women. Stop looking at all those media representation of what beauty is. Maybe you feel sexier about yourself if you’re only stick and bones. Maybe you feel sexier about yourself only if other guys keep giving you compliments at club. But at the end of the day, only YOU can find yourself beautiful. It doesn’t matter what anybody else think anymore. If you think that how other people perceive you is more important than your health than actually yourself, or that’s the only thing that matters—then you are definitely lying to yourself and trying to live a life of lie. The best love of all comes from loving yourself.

Enough said.